The Beauty of Not Knowing

Riya Patel
12 minutes ago
3 min read

As a college student entering my final year of undergrad, it scares me to admit that I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

It seems like every week there is a new path that interests me. As a rising senior, I’ve stopped receiving comforting remarks telling me I have time to figure it out. Rather, I receive nervous laughs, which try to hide concern for my future.

For me, the thought of not knowing has always felt heavy. It feels like I carry around a clock on my shoulders all day, with this intense ticking noise, telling me it’s time to figure it out.

I have friends who talk about PA school, law school, or finally getting to live out their childhood dream jobs.

Then there's me—the one without direction.

Professors ask about career goals. Family members throw in their expectations. At the end of it all, I feel left in a scrambled, confused mess of the unknown: I simply don't know what to do.

This was me, just up until last week.

I have just recently started to realize that maybe there’s a beauty in not knowing. Not knowing what I want to do, what I want to become.

Coming to this conclusion was not easy, by any means. For a while, “not knowing” felt like failure. I would compare myself constantly, scrolling social media (especially LinkedIn) and think, “Why do they have everything figured out when I’m still confused?” The pressure was exhausting. And it wasn’t just external, it was the voice in my own head saying, “Shouldn’t you know by now? How do you not know?” Everyone else knows what they’re doing except you.”

The worst part for me was that uncertainty triggered my self-doubt and thus, my imposter syndrome. It would be false to say these feelings have completely gone away, but I am teaching myself to observe the feelings, rather than absorb them.

Through conversations with mentors, especially here at Healing Grounds, and serious self-reflection, the beauty of the unknown has felt brighter - and so have I.

My mental health has improved due to the decision of letting go of perfection and the need to have everything figured out. I used to think that every decision that didn't work out meant I was doing something wrong. I treated each wrong turn as a step away from perfection. Now, I have realized that those choices opened doors I never would’ve walked through otherwise.

For example, some of the best experiences I’ve had in college, deciding to double major, studying abroad in a city I knew nothing about, and volunteering with kids, all came from spontaneous decisions. I can confidently say that these unplanned experiences shaped me the most, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

Letting go of my “need to know” was one of the healthiest decisions I have made for myself. If you are in a position like mine, I can assure you that it's okay not to know, and you will figure it out. None of us are alone in this, and it's up to us to keep the conversation going.

As I conclude this blog, I want to leave you all with something my childhood martial arts instructor used to tell me: “It's not wrong, it's just different.”

Thus, the beauty in not knowing is that there is no right answer. You might be doing life differently from your neighbor, your partner, or your family. Regardless, you aren’t wrong in your path, you are just different. And, there’s nothing more beautiful than that.

With this, I leave you with a short poem I wrote titled, “Sitting in the maybe.”

Everyone is moving at their own pace,