When Holidays Hurt: Navigating Loss and Celebration in the same heart.

Zachyra Rodriguez
2 days ago
5 min read

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, laughter, and connection—but for those of us who have walked through deep grief, they can also be some of the hardest days of the year. Over the course of my life, I’ve faced multiple profound losses: my brother, my dad, my step-dad, and my beloved son, Anthony, in addition to many others.

Each loss has left a mark, and over the years, my grief wound has deepened in ways I never imagined. I’ve sometimes felt numb—as if the pain was too heavy to carry—yet it remains, quietly aching beneath the surface, speaking loudly in silence, echoing through the deepest parts of my soul.

Recently, my dear friend Raquel was called home to heaven two months ago as she battled pancreatic cancer. She was my children’s babysitter and, throughout the years, became family to each of us. Witnessing her journey reminded me that grief doesn’t have a timeline, and the heartache doesn’t simply go away—it changes shape, sizes, dimensions, and colors while sometimes becoming a constant companion.

As the holidays approach, I want to share a few things that have helped me navigate this season.

For Those Grieving During the Holidays

Give yourself permission to grieve. Know that you are not alone. You are entitled to feel sad, to sit quietly, or even not to participate in festivities. Your grief is valid, and your heart deserves to feel it. No need to overexplain – just be.
Pace yourself and plan accordingly. If attending a holiday gathering, permit yourself to stay just 1–2 hours if that feels right. If you feel up to staying longer, that’s okay too. You get to set the boundaries that protect your heart.
Honor your loved ones. We have a tradition in our home called Anthony’s Christmas Tree. Every ornament represents a loved one we’ve lost, including our furry baby Coco- she was a toy yorkie. When I pass by the tree, I often stop, smile, and sometimes cry. It’s a space that allows me to smile today, even though years ago it felt unbearable. The pain doesn’t disappear, but honoring their memories brings me so much comfort.
Create gentle new traditions. Maybe it’s an empty chair at Thanksgiving or Christmas to honor someone you miss. Maybe it’s an ornament with their name or picture. Even small gestures like this can be incredibly healing. You don’t have to force yourself to celebrate if it’s too much—allow yourself to create new ways to remember and honor. We have an empty chair on our dining room table with a picture of Ant. (see below
Take care of your body- Self-care during this time is so important. Rest, journal, color, listen to music, exercise, sit still- do what feels good. During the recent few months of my Anthony running ahead to heaven, I would sit on my deck and just look at the trees and admire nature. No words, no music, no noise- just being.
Be okay with laughing and celebrating if you are up to it. Do not feel guilty if you feel like laughing, smiling, or going out. It is all part of the healing process.
You are discovering a new part of you that never existed. Your brain is trying to learn to do life without your loved one. This is normal- if you feel confused, distracted, uneasy, or have difficulty sleeping, it is normal.
Seek professional help to help you acquire coping strategies during this difficult time and to help you navigate your grief. Holidays can become emotionally charged, especially around these times.

For Those Supporting Someone Who is Grieving

The gift of your presence matters most! I cannot emphasize this enough. You don’t need to fix anything or find the perfect words. Simply showing up, checking in, sending an emoji with praying hands, or a text saying “thinking of you” can make a world of difference. Sometimes the person grieving may not know what they need, and that’s okay. Just being there is enough.
Offer choices as they may not know what they need. “Would you like to go out for dinner, or can I order dinner and bring it to your home? "
Allow them to cry without offering tissues to stop the pain. Remember, most of the time, “we are uncomfortable with other people’s pain” and want to stop the bleeding. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Let them talk about their loved ones. Allow them to share memories. As they do so, ask questions such as:
- Tell me a little bit about “_______”
- If it is someone younger or a child -“What was it like when they were little?”
- What’s your favorite memory of them?
- What do you miss the most?
- Do they have a nickname? Notice that I said “Do and not did”- they exist in our hearts, and it is important to honor that.
- Would you like to talk or sit here quietly?
Listen more than you talk. Allow them the space to lend a listening ear.
Please avoid silly cliches, such as “they are in a better place, heaven needed them, you have more children- you will be fine, time heals all wounds", quoting scriptures, and so on!! I must admit I hated every single one of these, and it felt so dismissive as if no one was seeing and understanding what was happening around me, that my firstborn was gone, gone forever! Just saying, this feels like it was yesterday.
Ask them if they would like help decorating or offer to help clean up.

Grieving is something most of us were never taught how to do. We celebrate life beautifully- with

rituals through weddings, a baby shower, a baby gender reveal- but we often avoid conversations about death, heaven, and the wounds of the heart. The holidays can shine a bright light on what is missing, but they can also provide moments of quiet comfort and reflection if we allow ourselves to move at our own pace. Yes- do not allow others to rush you through your heart wound.

So, if you’re navigating this season with loss in your heart, remember it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to pause. It’s okay to smile while you still ache. And it’s okay to lean on the people who care for you. Grief may never fully go away, but love—our memories, traditions, and presence—helps carry us through.

This holiday season, let us allow ourselves to feel and grieve, to celebrate, to remember, and to honor those we continue to love, holding them close in our hearts and memories.

Dedicated to my amazing Son, Anthony, and to my daddy ~ I miss you both, and words could never express.