Blended Families

Feb 285 min read

Through the Eyes of a Child

Ever Wondered What It Feels Like to Be Stuck in the Middle?

Blended families bring love, change, and new beginnings—but have you ever stopped to really think about what it feels like for the child caught in the middle? The child who has to navigate completely different sets of rules, routines, and expectations depending on where they are that day.

For many kids, life in a blended family feels like a constant balancing act. They aren’t just moving between two houses—they’re moving between two different worlds.

Adapting to Two Worlds: What Kids Don’t Say But Feel

As a clinician, I help families understand life through the eyes of their children. One of the biggest struggles I see in blended families is the unspoken emotional world of the child—the silent thoughts they don't verbalize, the feelings they don't know how to process, and the constant shifting they do in both homes.

Parents often tell me, "They’re not listening. They just do whatever they want."' But I want you to pause for a second. Imagine waking up in a different home every few days, surrounded by different smells, routines, and expectations. One day you’re allowed to eat on the couch, and the next, you’re expected to eat at the dinner table. Imagine trying to switch between these two completely different worlds, unsure of what’s expected of you. That’s the reality for so many children in blended families.

Imagine waking up in a different home every few days

Two Homes, Two Sets of Rules: The Silent Strain

For a child, moving between two homes isn’t just a physical transition—it’s an emotional one, too. What’s okay in one household might be totally different in the other. Maybe they can stay up late at Dad’s but have a strict bedtime at Mom’s. Or at Dad's house, they’re expected to do homework right after school, but at Mom’s, it’s all about fun and free time.

It doesn’t take long before children learn to adapt to these shifting expectations, but it comes at a cost. The constant need to change who they are from house to house can leave them feeling disconnected and overwhelmed.

The Role of Culture: Do I Belong?

For many children in blended families, culture also plays a significant role in shaping their experience. I’ve been there myself. Growing up in a blended family, I often felt like I didn’t quite fit in. I remember realizing I was lighter in one household and darker in the other—and it wasn’t just the color of my skin that set me apart. There were subtle (and not-so-subtle) moments when I realized I didn’t belong fully in either place.

I’d hear comments like, "Oh no, that’s Vicente’s (my dad's) daughter." It wasn’t just a simple reference—it was a reminder that I was different. I sometimes wondered: Am I an outcast?

When children are navigating multiple cultures, those unspoken identities can create feelings of isolation. They may feel like they have to choose one identity over the other, and at times, they can feel disconnected from both worlds. For a child, this is a silent yet powerful struggle—they’re trying to reconcile two parts of who they are and fit into spaces where they sometimes feel invisible.

When we ask children to keep secrets, we risk breaking down their trust in both households.

The Pressure of Keeping Secrets

One of the most emotionally taxing aspects of being a child in a blended family is the pressure to withhold information from one household to the other. Children often find themselves in a position where they have to "keep secrets"—not because they want to, but because they feel it’s expected of them.

"Don’t tell your dad we’re going on vacation."
"Don’t mention that Johnny got in trouble at school."

This creates an emotional burden that children should NOT have to carry. They’re caught between two worlds, and now they’re being asked to keep their two families separate, often without fully understanding why. What’s more, this creates a dynamic of secrecy and tension that can make a child feel like they’re betraying one parent or the other.

On the flip side, some children face probing questions from one parent about what’s happening in the other home:

"What did your mom say about this?"
"Did dad go to the park last weekend with his girlfriend?"

This puts the child in an uncomfortable position, especially if they don’t know how to answer without seeming disloyal. When we ask children to keep secrets, we risk breaking down their trust in both households.

Unspoken Conversations in a Child’s Mind

Children in blended families often have thoughts they never say out loud, but those thoughts still affect how they feel and behave. Here are just a few of the things I hear children in blended families think about—but rarely say:

"I have to be careful what I say about Mom at Dad’s house—and vice versa."
"I love both my parents, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings by showing it."
"Who am I in this family? Do I belong in both places the same way?"
"Now that my mom has a new baby with her husband, am I still as important? It was just her and I- and now she has her new family".

These thoughts don’t always come out in words, but they can show up in behavior—withdrawal, acting out, or even a sense of indifference.

How Parents Can Help: A Few Simple Steps

Acknowledge the Adjustment – Moving between two homes is mentally and emotionally taxing. Be patient and give kids grace as they transition.
Encourage Open Communication – Let them express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Even if you don’t agree, validate their experience.
Create Consistency Where Possible – Try to maintain a sense of stability, whether through routines, traditions, or expectations.
Avoid Loyalty Conflicts – Never make your child feel like they have to choose between parents or keep secrets from one home to protect the other.
Make Them Feel Included – If your family has a new baby or stepsiblings, take intentional steps to make sure all children feel equally loved and valued.
Spend One-on-One Time – Dedicate time alone with each child to reinforce their importance in your life.